Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
