Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
