ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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