saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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