I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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