the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
