He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
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I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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