Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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