After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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