you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
