from now on my penis is your penis
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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