I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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