First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
