Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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