I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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