have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
