Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When are your genitals available?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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