did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
