it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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