I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
