Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
