I showed him my bush... on skype.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
