cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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