Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
