I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
