the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
