Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
