Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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