Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
me + whiskey = a bad person
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
