if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
