you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
