her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
