How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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