a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I party with great urgency now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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