oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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