The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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