Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
