Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
