Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this will be a night to untag.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
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the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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