I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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