I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
