3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
