At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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