I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
