I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
