the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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