and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
