Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
