She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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