You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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