I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
