I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
