if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
