You just made me feel so damn special
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
