She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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