Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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